I’m torn. There are so many things I want from this life. There are so many things in the world to be enjoyed that I have yet to experience. And why shouldn’t I want to experience them? If you believe in a higher power, than this place was put here for us. And if you don’t, than there’s no reason not to do crazy things that you might regret later. Either way, it’s a choice, a decision to be adventurous and exciting and, yes, reckless and flighty. I mean, hell, my chosen profession is as a rock musician. I’ve always felt most comfortable, most at home, most myself, on stage, with an instrument in my hands, a microphone in my face, and tons of people watching me and a few of my closest friends rip those instruments to pieces. But I’ll go ahead and say it: even on a small, local or regional level it’s really easy to lose yourself in the egos, the sex, the alcohol, and the drugs. Sorry, mom.
Part of me wants something simpler. I want love. I want children. I want a nice house, and a car for each driving member of the family. Being about a month away from 27 years old (THAT’S ALMOST 30!) I feel that my window is closing. Maybe it’s time to calm down, lose the rebel youth that I still seem to carry with me, get a real 9 to 5, and start saving for these things. Quit smoking and cut back on my drinking and save money and take better care of my body.
A female friend told me the other night that girls like the bad boy. The problem with that statement is that I’m not the bad boy. I’m not even close to being the bad boy. I’m probably the most wholesome wanna-be rockstar in the entire state, and possibly on the entire east coast. I certainly have a dark streak, but who doesn’t? Besides which, girls like the bad boy for flings, not for a meaningful relationship.
I guess what I’m trying to figure out is whether or not it’s time to give up my dreams of freedom and making music that could change the world, and become a normal, working human being. I wanted to write music that was meaningful and inspiring. I’m not even sure that I completely believe that that’s possible anymore.
I’m just one intelligent, self-aware, observant, fucked-up, tiny-nothing of a man up against everything society has to throw against me. Maybe the moral of the story is that I simply can’t do it alone.