i’m tired. it’s 2:36 am on tuesday. i’m still at my the home of my four best friends, which is only about a ten minute drive from my house. i’ve probably had a few too many beers. and i don’t have a car right now anyway, seeing as the battery still doesn’t charge. i also don’t have a job. the car is only part of the issue; baltimore has decent enough bus lines, enough to get me where i’m going, anyway. but i’m also broke. i have no more money. absolutely zero.
i see some people around me who say they have no money and go out to eat everyday, or buy a pack of cigarettes, or purchase whatever flavor-of-the-week band’s cd came out on tuesday. when i say i’m broke i mean that i have no flexibility financially. times are tough, and not having a job only makes it harder to pay the few bills i have on time. even with a job it would be hard to imagine not living paycheck to paycheck, as this is something i have done regardless of how much i’m being paid for the last eleven years.
i always thought i could “make it” in the music industry. working in a small, efficient studio in the city sounds like a plan. however i don’t make any hourly pay; all payment is per job. and having played in bands for the last ten years my verbal and musical imagination is suffering an insufferable writers’ block (not to mention questions of direction, instrumentation, vocalization, and originality.) my plan has been to start a small record label, have a handful of local, moderately successful acts who i’ve informally signed, help them book shows and put out their cd’s. it sounds like fun, and it is. but it’s still incredibly difficult to actually make a living doing this without sacrificing my integrity somewhat. my mother always said that my integrity would be the end of me…
it just finally feels like it may be time to cash in my chips: take the experience i have and actually find a “real” job in order to one day fulfill the dreams i posses of having a home in a safe neighborhood, meeting a nice girl who’s ready to settle down, and starting a family. but i can’t. the pull is still too strong for me to continue doing what i know is really my only choice: to continue finding ways to participate in the music business, independently, and make enough money to live a comfortable life. it’s what i’ve always known to be my path, what i’ve known to be right, what i’ve been called and driven to do.
i have no real answers, and this isn’t helping me do anything but process. but at least i know who i am and what that means to me.